Posts from the ‘Travel’ Category
I’m hanging up my nomad hat. Retiring my gypsy skirt. Clipping my butterfly wings.
Ok, that’s a little dramatic. But I am, after over a year of wanderlusting around the world, settling down moving into an apartment of my own and staying in one place…for a while.
Destination: Denver!
About a year and a half ago, as the urge to leave New York City grew stronger and stronger, I had an intense cross-country romance with an awesome guy in Denver, who I oh-so-creatively nicknamed “Denver”. After one visit, I was hooked on Denver (the city), but not the guy (sorry G!). With the notion of leave NYC becoming more and more real, I realized that I needed a bigger change and started dreaming up a serious plan, starting with India. I had no idea where I’d end up, and I didn’t really care. There was a part of me that still loved the idea of moving to Denver, but I was open to anything and everything that could happen in the next year or two. So off I went to India, armed with one bag and a heart full of adventure.
Those seven months around Asia were beyond amazing. Setting foot in India, Thailand and Bali, I knew I’d be coming back. Along the way I met incredible people, many of whom were perpetual travelers. These people, these professional wanderers, intrigued me to no end. They live their life differently. Why not?
Back in the US in June, I was not ready to make any long-term decisions. I setup shop in my family’s summer cabin in the woods of Northern Michigan. Three inspiring months of teaching yoga, doing Thai Massage, cycling and spending time with family. It was perfect.
Come end of July, I started hopping around again with Michigan as my base. First stop: Wanderlust Festival in Lake Tahoe. Wow. This yoga/music festival was pretty much life-changing in more ways than one. Most notably, I fell madly in love with someone I thought was my soulmate. All of the sudden, all bets were off and we wanted nothing more than to be together. Which would require me to shift some big plans I’d made and move to Salt Lake City. Suddenly, the idea of settling down and growing some roots was very attractive. But not yet. I had another two months of traveling ahead of me.
In short, those months went like this: Tahoe –> Michigan –> Salt Lake City –> Michigan –> New York City –> Upstate NY –> New York City –> Michigan –> St. Louis –> Salt Lake City –> St. Louis –> Chicago –> St. Louis.
I know, it’s exhausting to even think about. I was done. In more ways than one.
In the course of that whirlwind, my heart was broken, my health was slipping and I had no clue where to go. I ended up back in my parent’s house in St. Louis, Missouri. For the first time in ten years I was back in the comfort of my childhood home, enjoying the freedom of doing nothing. So naturally, two weeks of sleeping ensued.
I am a big believer of the Universe sending us lessons. All the time. It’s up to us to learn from them.
Sometimes we are fortunate enough to experience and learn a valuable lesson in a considerably short time frame. Other times, we are not so lucky, drawing out wrong relationships and situations for years, even decades.
I somehow managed to fall madly in love, experience a bliss I never knew existed, proceeded to lose myself in that love, experience heartbreak, and go through the grieving process…all in ten weeks. Holy lessons learned!
[Enter Denver. Again.]
In the course of that beautiful love affair, I decided not to move forward with plans to go to massage school in Costa Rica. I was done with traveling to foreign countries for 4 months at a time. Plus, I wasn’t convinced a traditional massage school was the right path for me. I do Thai Yoga Massage and want to continue learning that craft, but I also want to study Western therapeutics and get my massage license. Well, it just so happens that the only school in the country (to my knowledge) that offers an integrative approach to massage – Thai Yoga Massage practicum + Western therapeutics training – is located in Denver. And classes start January 2012. I found all this out the day it was clear Salt Lake City was no longer happening. As usual, the timing is impeccable.
So here we are. I just returned from a quick Denver trip, visiting the school and securing an apartment. The place is perfect, the school exactly what I’m looking for. And the Denver yoga community is so inviting. I couldn’t be more excited. Finally, setting down roots, teaching long-term and starting my practice: exactly what I’ve been yearning for these past few months.
A kitchen. A studio space. A backyard with planter boxes. A hammock. Even a storage shed.
I’m trying not to be attached to these things, but, my goodness! After living out of a suitcase for over a year, they sure make things so very comfortable.
As my teacher told me, all this moving around from place to place creates a feverishness inside. It is true. Being physically grounded naturally lends itself to being mentally and emotionally grounded, as well.
Although, today I just finished reading Tales Of A Female Nomad. And find myself dreaming of my next chance to get away, take off with one bag and immerse myself in something totally new and foreign…
Namaste brave souls.
Today is my one-year anniversary of leaving NYC. I can’t even begin to describe the journey that unfolded, that is still unfolding, every-evolving with each day that passes. From the beaches of India to the monastic forests of Southern Thailand, back up to the untouched land of Northern Michigan, and into the beauty of the Catskills and Berkshires, I find myself using this time to reflect on all that I have learned and experienced. While I enjoy all the memories of laughter and adventure, I keep returning to all the teachers that I have been blessed to study with and learn from. So on this day, let this be a celebration of the journey and a homage to the teachers that crossed my path. May we all meet again.
Through my life, I’ve always been one to say “everything happens for a reason”, and I still believe this fully. But after this year, I can elaborate on this with certainty. People cross our paths at the exact time we are to meet. This is our gift from the Universe and I don’t believe we have any control on those meetings happening. But it is up to us to choose to cultivate and nurture a relationship – or perhaps we choose not to do anything. We are presented with opportunities, all the time, to learn from others. Sometimes these people appear as formal teachers, with credentials and certifications that resonate with us, and other times they are simply a peer or even a stranger we might only have one conversation with. What I’ve learned is this: each and every person and interaction is an opportunity for learning and growth.
So often we forget that we do not have all the answers. It’s a very humbling thing to remember as often as you can. Because that act of letting go – that choice to be vulnerable – is such a crucial tool in opening yourself up to deeper connection and ultimately, deeper learning. I used to be so intimidated by people who had more knowledge than me in the things I was interested in, especially those who could be in my peer group (opposed to an older formal teacher). That sounds so backwards, doesn’t it? But as I embarked on this trip last year, I knew I was in for a big awakening in many ways, and learning was top on my list. I wanted to learn as much as I could about yoga and spirituality, teaching, love, myself. This is a never-ending quest, of course, but I was ready to dive headfirst into it as priority #1 for the first time in my life. What occurred was beyond anything I could have imagined.
The teachers who facilitated my 200-hr yoga teacher training in Goa, India were so wonderful. Each so knowledgeable in their own right, their own specialty, and we had a number of guest lecturers come through. Beyond the eight limbs of yoga, Sanskrit, yoga history and theory, the 30 days of pure immersion with 27 other students was a huge learning experience. So many of us were traveling down similar paths: changing careers, embarking on self-discovery, searching for something greater, something more authentic and gratifying than the life we’d been living. I fell into a tight crew of girls, many of whom stayed in Goa for a month or two after the training was over. These girls were my rocks and a constant source of inspiration and knowledge. They will also all understand the picture below :)
During the training I explored dream analysis with a Zen Buddhism teacher as a way to make sense of the wild meflaquin-fueled dreams I was having each night. I’d never known the theory behind how our conscious and subconscious minds deal – or don’t deal – with the things that we dream. It was so fascinating.
One night I wandered into a restaurant called Magic Park with a dear friend of mine. Our first visit there was a game-changer for both of us, on many different levels. Teachers, friends, lovers, amazing conversation: Magic Park offered everything. One particular person – a lovely man named Rolf – taught me two invaluable lessons. First, the importance of your words, specifically suspending the use of “should” and anything similar. Ever since that day, whenever I catch myself using language with “should”, “need to”, etc, I take a deep breath and rephrase whatever I had to say. It makes a difference, changing the intention of your words like that.
The other lesson from Rolf changed how I live my life on a daily basis. You know those moments where you find yourself worrying about something you cannot control or decide about yet? For example, the moment you discover you’ve lost your phone and set out retracing your steps, or you get pulled over by a police officer, and have to sit and wait to see what happens next? It is in these moments that we can make a choice to either dwell in the worst-case scenario and let all the “what ifs” run through our minds, basically freaking ourselves out with worry; or, we can choose to breathe, relax and wait to see what actually happens. As humans, our egos are constantly drawn to the drama, and since drama doesn’t actually exist, we tend to fabricate things in our head instead. So you get pulled over. In this moment you can either choose to get overly upset because now you are going to get a ticket, have to go to court, pay a fine, which means the money you saved to buy that new suit will be gone, and to top it off you’re late for that do-or-die business lunch. So basically, this ruins your entire career. Wait—doesn’t this seem a little extreme? YES! That’s the point. The mind takes us to crazy places of worry and doubt, when in reality nothing has even happened yet. One little change in your perception of the situation could have you speaking honestly and calmly to the police officer, apologizing and owning up to your violation, being totally open to the situation. And here’s the important thing: doing all this with the intention of everything turning out just fine. Knowing that everything will be ok. And you know what? It usually is, especially if you shift your thoughts, words and actions away from worry and doubt and instead, enjoy, trust and surrender to the moment. (Thank you Rolf!)
In Goa I met a teacher for life, Master Gregory James. I was blessed to practice Tai Chi with him and other students on the shores of the Arabian Sea as the sun set, welcoming each evening with slow and steady intention. Immediately following one particularly powerful session, I experienced a breakthrough in meditation that I will never forget. It was the first time I found a physical practice that affected me more powerfully than asana (i.e. doing yoga postures). The discussions with “MG” were always insightful and thought-provoking. Every single session taught me so much about myself and my practice. Although our time was brief, I know we’ll be crossing paths again soon.
A month later I found myself in the forests of Southern Thailand, participating in a 10-day silent meditation retreat, called Vipassana. It was there that I realized the power of finding teachers in the stillness that comes from such an experience. I no longer had to look outward; instead, I sat with myself in nature. I learned just as much – or perhaps even more – from the birds, the ants, the rocks and the water than the monks and nuns who lectured each day. But most importantly, I learned from myself. Sitting in the silence of Vipassana is not just about no longer talking. It’s about finding that silence in the mind; learning from the vacillations from thought to no thoughts and everything in between. As the saying goes, the best teacher truly lies within each of us.
A month later in Bali, I was fortunate to teach my first yoga retreat. Ten days on the Northern coast of that magical island was such a learning experience. One where I deliberately put myself in a situation that terrified me. As a new teacher, I had to build up as much confidence as I could muster, even if I didn’t necessarily believe it at the time. What I found was amazing. Each and every moment served as a chance to learn, finding the connections between my actions and the students’ actions, my words and their practice. It was there I learned how unique and special each student really is, each with her own goals, struggles and reasons for coming to the mat.
The most profound teacher I met on my journey was in Bali, on the tiny party island Gili Trawangan. Why I was there, and why an enlightened Indian yogi was there, I’ll never know. But he walked straight up to me on a crowded road and asked me if I did yoga, fully knowing what my answer would be. This random-seeming occurrence was absolutely meant to be in every way, and we continue to communicate regularly from halfway across the world. Meeting Rahul was – and is – a deeply personal experience. My deepest gratitude to him and his continued teachings.
It is interesting to me that although I did not study with any formal teachers in my two-month Balinese journey, I learned more there about myself than anywhere else. Perhaps it was because of the timing, perhaps it was the energy of that magical place, or perhaps it was the beautiful company I kept there. Namely, my lovely soul sisters Jenn and Kristan. Our conversations went on for hours, each full of new realizations, perceptions and emotions. My deepest gratitude to them and all the friends I met along the way.
Back up to Thailand one last time, I had a whirlwind three weeks. The first few days I will never forget, as much as I probably wanted to forget at the time. I couch-surfed at a small ashram-type guesthouse with a Buddhist guy who told me more about myself and my character – good and bad – than I cared to face at the time. It was such a test of strength, trust and courage. I ultimately made the choice to leave the situation and continue on with my plans, but the experience showed me so much. It taught me about the delicate balance of trusting other people you encounter on this spiritual path. I saw first-hand how some seekers can get sucked into a person’s message and ultimately become a follower, due to their own weaknesses and self-doubt. Although that situation was filled with negativity and doubt, I am forever grateful for the lessons that came out of it. No one ever said you have to like a teacher in order for their message to be heard.
That last trip to Thailand I studied with a wonderful Thai massage teacher, Yan, at the Sunshine School of Thai Massage. This was the perfect example of how much I learned from my peers. There were eight people in our class, each with a body so remarkably unique that it was like starting anew each time. We were all so vocal that we quickly learned how to teach each other what felt good, what could use improvement, etc. If only people could communicate like that outside the classroom!
Socially, my time in Chaing Mai was the most unexpected blessing of my entire trip. Thanks to the amazing Emily Baxter, I was connected with an wonderful kula of yogis and yoginis. Most of us were formal teachers in some facet, the others still teachers in their own right. Never before had I felt so at home. I learned how to let go and just dive headfirst into a community of people, filled with love and total acceptance. It was like all veils were lifted and authenticity shined through each and every one of us. No matter where we were – on the mat, at a night market, in the sauna – the air just radiated with joy. It was through this experience that my standards for community were raised. My deepest gratitude to the Wild Rose Kula, especially sweet, sweet Rosemary.
Teachers. More and more I realize that formal teachers are only a small – albeit important – piece of the pie. The people you surround yourself with teach you so much, whether you invite it or not. For this reason it is so important to choose your friends and peers wisely, because you will learn from and internalize their actions and words. It doesn’t stop with people. Art, movement, nature – these can all teach us valuable lessons if we only open up and truly connect with what surrounds us. But above all, in this journey I can now say with confidence: the greatest teacher truly is yourself.
Day 4
By now, getting up at 4am is a piece of cake. I had an amazing yoga practice in the floating meditation hall. For the first time in the retreat I wore a tank top, and it made my practice so much more comfortable. Exposing your shoulders is a big no-no, but with temps well over 80 degrees and extremely humid – even before sunrise – it was worth breaking the rules for.
I started to feel a real sense of clarity developing at this point. Some people might see me as being in a place of uncertainty right now. I could go anywhere next, choose anything, and I’m perfectly happy being in that place. Lately though, I’ve been feeling that itching urge to be back in the US for the summer, mainly to be in Northern Michigan with my family, getting back into cycling, experiencing the untouched nature of the area, and getting started on some big projects. And the things I’m setting up will allow me to continue traveling, so I don’t feel the need to see everything right now. As the retreat went on, this sense of clarity grew greater and greater. With it came a rush of business ideas, two of which I continued to think about anytime I wanted a break from concentration and meditation. One was so exciting that I found myself distracted by all the brainstorming. I’d be deep in meditation and suddenly get this idea, wanting so badly to write it down but also not wanting to break the rules of the retreat. So I signed up to speak with Nun Aree the following day for advice.
Every day we started to see inspirational messages posted on the board in the dining hall. Males and females had their own boards, and would stand in front reading the different passages and taking notes. I began copying down the ones that resonated with me. I’ll start posting these at the end of each day.
While we had private toilets, the bathing area was communal. There were two big concrete water pools of fresh water in the back of the dorms with small buckets resting on the edge. In order to bathe, we’d put on a sarong, stand on the side of the pool with our toiletries, and pour water from the bucket. It was not uncommon to have three or four girls standing there, all sharing the space together silently. I found it quite relaxing, actually, and of course it was very modest with everyone in their sarongs. There were these white PVC tubes sticking out of the center of each pool, and 9 times out of 10 we’d see a little frog there, just watching us.
We truly were living as one with nature. Lizards, spiders, frogs, cockroaches, bats, etc…they went in and out of our rooms just as much as we did. I never thought the day would come, though, where I would help a girl get a cockroach out of her travel bag – in silence, no less! This was one of the girls who ended up leaving that day, and I couldn’t help but think if the cockroach had anything to do with it.
By day four, a few people started talking openly. Not much, but it was definitely distracting. As I fell asleep this night, I heard some women talking right outside my window. I couldn’t help but be disturbed by it, wanting to go outside and “sushhh” them silently. But part of the Buddhist practice is compassion, and so I accepted it and drifted off to sleep.
Message board:
At times during the practice it may seem as if nothing much is happening except a lot of pain, restlessness, agitation and doubt. But, in fact, every moment of awareness, every moment of mindfulness helps to weaken the chain of our attachments.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
When we find ourselves tensing because of pain, examine the quality of unpleasantness carefully, the quality of painfulness. Become mindful of that feeling and the mind will naturally come to a state of balance. When the mind is silent, relaxed and attentive, pain is experienced not as a solid mass, but as a flow, arising and vanishing moment to moment. Sit with a relaxed and calm mind, observing the flow of sensations, without aversion, without expectation.
Day Five
I had my first experience of lust creeping up in the form of sexual attraction. After four days of averting eye contact with any men and not having the distraction of the opposite sex, I fell off the wagon in a matter of seconds during my morning yoga practice, of all places.
There was one man who practiced ashtanga yoga right next to me. Just as I had the day before, I set up my mat, took off my long sleeve shirt and started my practice in a tank top. It was still pitch dark outside so at first I didn’t notice him, but as the sun started to rise I became acutely aware that the guy next to me had taken his shirt off. It was very hot and stuffy so I don’t blame him. From then on, it took front and center in my mind the rest of my practice that morning. And even continued into the rest of the retreat. I’d see him and think there’s the ashtanga guy, who I see half naked every morning. This was precisely the reason we are asked to dress and act so conservatively while on the retreat grounds, so as to not stir up lustful, distracting thoughts. I got to thinking about how our culture is inundated with sex in our daily lives. I wonder what it’d be like if we stripped away all those messages. Would we be more focused, more confidant as we moved about our days?
I spoke with Nun Aree today for about 20 minutes. I’d interacted with her briefly on day two when my stomach was hurting and I was lying down in the main meditation hall. Lying down anywhere on the retreat grounds is a big no-no, so she had walked over and told me to sit up. When I walked up to her today, smiling and relaxed, she looked and me immediately said that I looked much happier than before, that my eyes were much brighter. I said yes, I’ve been feeling really great in the past few days. I then asked her a number of questions, and was quite pleased with the clear and balanced answers she gave me. I told her about my business planning “monkey mind” and asked what to do with my urge to write and brainstorm. She basically said it was fine to have these thoughts and to write them down, but not too much. Essentially finding the middle path, writing and planning in moderation. I loved that answer, and immediately went to buy a notebook to write in at the retreat shop during lunch.
From then on I carried around my notebook with my pen on top, ready to be used whenever the moment of inspiration struck. I would have considerable flashes of insight during my walking meditations. Always the techie looking for efficiency, I thought with a smile how convenient it would be to carry around a little recording devise to quickly document ideas during walking meditation…or anytime really. But of course, this was a silent retreat and I’d checked my iPod away with all my other “distractions” – so the notebook would have to do for now.
Today in the bathroom I saw the most beautiful lizard family. These lizards were similar to an iguana, but had the most distinctive coloring, like a pastel and gray combination. I observed a whole lizard family – the mother, father, and two little babies just hanging out in the toilet area in the cracks of the concrete ceiling. Any interesting animals in the dormitory grounds were cause for entertainment amongst us girls. It was not uncommon for someone to be silently motioning to the others around her to come and look at some creature. During a walking meditation this afternoon I spent a good 30 minutes watching ants walking around, letting them crawl onto my hands and discovering their path around and then off my body.
Looking back at my notes from today, I wrote down the phrase “many people are leaving” twice. It was more apparent today than any other. The energy of the retreat seemed to have shifted a bit on day five. We were halfway through this experience. For some people, I can imagine their thoughts were getting the best of them, the monkey mind turning to boredom and distraction. It’s a hard thing to sit with day in and day out. I felt a growing sense of compassion for those who decided to leave.
Message board:
Be gentle with yourself. Be persevering. Though it might not be apparent to you, there is a great transformation taking place.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The mind can become very malleable. If you work a piece of clay in making pottery, it becomes soft and easily shaped. When the awareness and concentration are developed, the mind also has that kind of workability and flexibility.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There should always be the greatest effort possible, without forcing, without creating tension.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Answered by Ajahn Chah from the Nongphapong Temple:
Q: I’m trying very hard in my practice but don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
A: This is very important . Don’t try to get anywhere in the practice. The very desire to be free or to be enlightened will be the desire that prevents your freedom. You can practice as hard as you wish, day and night, but if it is still with the desire to achieve in mind, you will never find peace. The energy from this desire will cause doubt and restlessness. No matter how long or hard you practice, wisdom will not arise from desire. So, simply let go. Watch the mind and body mindfully but don’t try to achieve anything. Don’t cling even to the practice of enlightenment.
Read on to Part 4
Feb 28th – Registration Day
With more and more people arriving the day before, there was a good crowd of participants ready to check into the retreat. We took a truck over to the site and went through a very organized process of reading the rules and regulations, handing in our passport and valuables, paying the $60 fee which went to our meals over the next 10 days, and were given one last chance to back out. We were then assigned a room and directed to put our things away at the dorm and be ready for an orientation tour in the late afternoon. Each room had a concrete bed built into the wall and a big window that looked into a lush and tropical courtyard. We were provided a lantern, mosquito net, straw mat, blanket and…dun dun dun….a wooden pillow. The dorm was obviously well-maintained. As I walked around I saw a number of large concrete water pools with plastic buckets we were to use for bathing and washing.
About 140 participants showed up to retreat. We started the orientation at the main meditation hall at 4pm. The open-air hall was very welcoming and minimalist, with women sitting to the right side, and men to the left. We each chose a spot which would be our designated place for the duration of the retreat, kind of like picking your chair on the first day of school. After laying out our meditation mats, pillows and optional stools, we listened to a young nun outline what to expect in the retreat. Next, we took a complete tour of the grounds – including the hot springs – and then walked to the dining hall for our last un-silent gathering for evening teatime. I was happy to find out that although we were not served food after lunchtime, every evening we were served some form of a hot, sweetened drink that ended up being quite filling. The best was the chocolate milk, hands down!
At 7pm we gathered in the main meditation hall again for the welcome speech by the abbot, Ahjan Poh, and the silence began. As the monastery bell rang at 9pm for bedtime, I walked wordlessly back to the dorm with the other women. With all my belongings unpacked and my bed as comfortable as I could make it, I lay under the mosquito net listening to the sounds of crickets singing in the night and fell fast asleep.
Day 1
Woke up to the monastery bell at 4am on the dot, a loud repetitive ringing that spans at least 5 minutes. I don’t see how anyone could possibly sleep through that. It certainly calmed any fears I had about sleeping through the morning wake-up…
Breakfast was rice soup with fresh veggies and bananas – today and every day of the retreat. Famished from not having dinner the night before, I had a ton of it, then headed to the hot spring afterward for a dip during our morning break. Women and men have separate hot springs, and you are required to wear a sarong at all times. The hot spring is amazing…I quickly fell into a routine of sitting in the hot water for a few minutes, then getting out and taking a cold shower for a minute or so, then back and forth like that for a couple more times. Laying on the hot springs steps neck-deep in natural, mineral rich water and looking up and the birds and the trees, I remember thinking that I could get used to this. And from that day on I made it a point to visit the springs every day after breakfast.
As we moved through the schedule of the day, meditation, Dhamma talks, more meditation, lunch, etc. I became incredibly tired. Each time we sat for meditation, I would keep drifting off and have to snap myself back to the present. They warned this would happen in the beginning, and recommended a few tips for when you’re feeling tired in meditation:
- Keep eyes slightly open – it’s much harder to drift off this way – and look at the ground (follow the line of the tip of your nose)
- Get up and practice standing meditation instead
- If all else fails, splash some water on your face
I remember feeling incredibly antsy over the course of this first day. I must have thought about leaving the retreat at least 5 times. It seemed like the longest day ever. To make matters worse, my stomach started acting up in the afternoon and I had a sinking feeling that I was going to have some problems because of that rice soup. I decided to give it one more day, and skipped the evening tea for a much-needed nap in my room.
Coming into this retreat, I had a daily meditation practice where I’d sit every morning for about 20 minutes in silence and try to clear my mind, observing any thoughts as they passed in my mind and doing my best not to judge or entertain any of them. On Day 1 we were introduced to the concept of Anapanasiti, a Buddhist meditation technique of mindfulness with breathing. Buddhadasa had become an expert on this technique, which is comprised of 16 steps that the Buddha himself taught as the method to enlightenment. Most normal people, however, are only concerned with the first 4 or 5 steps, and could easily spend a lifetime only mastering these steps. More on Anapanasiti later.
I fell asleep after my first full day with a growing sense of apprehension, wondering if I could really hack this for nine more days. Luckily I was so exhausted that within seconds I left those fears behind and drifted off to sleep…on my wooden pillow.
Day 2
I woke up quite easily at the sound of the 4am bell this morning, and every day following. Anyways, it’s hard to want to sleep in when you’re sleeping on a wooden pillow. Stomach was feeling even worse though, and continued to do so throughout the day, especially after a second morning of that rice soup. It was definitely the culprit. No matter what is served, we ate everything from a large metal bowl, either with hands or a metal spoon. We were told that the monks eat this way to avoid any unnecessary excitement about food. I’m not sure how well that worked though. When all you’re eating is rice soup for breakfast and no dinner, just about anything that is served for lunch becomes incredibly exciting!
The Dhamma talk was about Dukkah and why we as human beings suffer. We’ll get into that more tomorrow. Nun Aree said something that I found particularly interesting about the concept of “prison”. Clearly we were in a confined area, not able to step out of the boundaries of the retreat center, and living in concrete quarters with zero amenities.
I can see many people feeling like it was a prison, absolutely. The nun said that many things in life can be viewed as a prison: a toxic home, a failing marriage, miserable job, etc. We feel as though we’re in a prison because these are all situations we want to get out of. So being in the retreat center is something that we’ve done by choice, and for our own benefit, and this doesn’t fit her definition of prison. If you think about it, the regulations and boundaries are put in place to protect us from the outside world while we go through a 10-day path of self-discovery and reflection. Something to think about…
Every day at 5pm there was an optional chanting hour with one of the monks. I loved chanting in India and have a number of mantras I chant from time to time. On Day 1 I gave Buddhist chanting a try and it didn’t seem the same at all for me, did not resonate. So on Day 2 I took my mala beads and headed to a quite place to chant a Sanskrit Healing Mantra 108 times. That is pretty powerful stuff.
Day 3
Today I stopped wearing shoes or sunglasses. I haven’t given up sunglasses ever in my life…I’m that girl who will wear them in the rain my eyes are so sensitive. While that was a challenge, I actually loved giving up shoes…it’s not the first time I’ve done that. (Flashbacks to Summer of 2000 when I went three months without shoes! And only had to visit the hospital one time to remove a chard of glass….)
By Day 3 I was getting quite bored with the morning yoga class, and decided to seek out my own space to practice. Turns out there is a floating meditation hall that was just perfect for pre-dawn yoga. The space faces East and we practiced from 5:15am – 6:45am, so I got to see a beautiful sunrise every day from then on. I found myself wanting to do a pretty intense practice to combat all the sitting, wringing out my body as much as possible and doing tons of hip openers.
I had spoken with the head nun the evening before about my rice soup dilemma, and she said it would be ok to go in back and serve myself from the food the nuns and monks ate at breakfast. In order not to upset our “Dhamma friends” I had to sit in back though, so no one saw my special food. I quickly realized it’s the same food they serve for lunch so had to devise a system where I ate one dish at breakfast, and the other dish at lunch, so I didn’t get too bored. But hey, at least it’s not rice soup! And more importantly, I wasn’t suffering every afternoon and evening.
All the meditation is getting much easier and deeper by this point. I am practicing mindfulness everywhere I go and with everything I do. Sitting in the hot springs this morning, I stared at a flock of young birds learning to fly high above the trees. It was fascinating. The things you start to appreciate when you take the time to sit back and really observe nature…it’s so beautiful.
As anyone who has spent time in Asia will agree, it’s striking the difference between hearing explanations from a Thai person versus a Westerner. It can be quite challenging, actually, to listen to someone from Thailand or India (or elsewhere in the East) explain a concept or belief system. Nothing is linear – they often speak in circles and repeat the same thing multiple times and in multiple ways, use esoteric analogies and then close half their sentences with “or something like this”. But to them it makes complete sense. To Westerners, it often leaves us more confused.
There is an English monk here who has been in Suan Mokkh for a long time, and is a wonderful speaker. Today he gave a Dhamma talk about the five hindrances, which are the five negative mental states that arise and impede us during meditation. It was quite suitable by day three to hear these and how to overcome each:
- Lustful thoughts: any cravings or desires (not just sexual)
- Hatred / Ill-will
- Sleepiness / Sloth
- Restlessness / Monkey Mind
- Doubt
We were given the opportunity to have an “interview” with a monk/nun, so I signed up to speak with the chanting monk in the afternoon. I came with five questions written down to ask him. I’d never had a private conversation with a monk before. I kept finding myself acutely aware of my demeanor, trying not to smile too much or get too close. His answers were somewhat helpful, but again, the Thai way of explaining things really slowed down the conversation and threw me through a few hoops trying to understand what he was trying to convey.
Every evening we do a walking meditation around the ponds (women walking around one pond, men around another). It quickly became my favorite part of the day, with the stars and moon lighting the night sky, big candles along the water lighting the walking path, listening to the sound of crickets singing into the night. We walked slowly – but not too slowly – in single file with our hands clasped either behind our backs or in front of our body. These evening walking meditations were a great opportunity to reflect on the day, move the body a little bit, and mentally zone out amongst some amazing night scenery.
I fell asleep on day three with a growing sense of clarity and comfort knowing that I was going to do just fine. From that day on things just got easier and easier, and a beautiful clarity began taking place.
Continue to Part 3
Near the top of my bucket list for this trip was attending – and completing – a ten day silent meditation retreat. You might have heard the term Vipassana, a Pali word that means to see things as they really are, and is one of the world’s most ancient meditation techniques. In English this is sometimes just called “insight meditation”. Vipassana retreats provide an opportunity for you to take a break, look over things and take a serious review on what has been happening in your life. A lot of people use this time as a chance to reflect, modify, adjust and/or make changes. After some thorough research I found a link to Suan Mokkh International Dharma Hermitage, a Buddhist monastery located in south Thailand that holds monthly vipassana retreats for foreigners.
Wat Suan Mokkh was created in 1932 by the late Buddhadasa Bhikku, a Thai monk who is widely respected and honored across Thailand and beyond for his large contribution to Buddhism and unique interpretation of the Buddha’s teachings.
Judging from the look on my face, yesterday may as well have been Christmas for me. After three weeks of patiently waiting, I got a call from Mahavir telling me my package had arrived. My mother sent this package before Christmas, after weeks of my debating the things I really couldn’t live without while over here in India. Because I spent so much time reading blogs and articles about what to bring for an extended stay in India, I wanted to pay it forward and do the same for others to be uber-prepared before they board the plane. And away we go!
- Altec Lansing travel speakers + AAA batteries: Wow wow wow. I can’t say enough about this speaker. I don’t know what I was thinking leaving home without proper speakers. Once I realized my iPod touch had the sound equivilent to a mosquito, and my netbook’s speakers rivaled a miniature toy train’s engine, I realized I needed to get something pronto. I don’t trust buying electronics here and I knew I could get something great on Amazon, so I found this with its hundreds of positive reviews and ordered it in under 30 seconds. The entire thing is about the diameter of a coaster, only a couple of inches tall and it weighs less than my wallet. The sound is up there with a proper iPod dock, deep and full even at high volume. The case is super protective and comes with a mini-carabiner for quick and easy transport. Definitely include a few sets of AAA batteries because you never know how long Indian batteries will actually last :)
- Gap sports bras: I made the mistake of buying a brand new sports bra for this trip, a fancy hot yoga style from Lululemon. By day one noticed the fit was wrong and quickly realized this was not going to work out. Trouble is, there is no where to get a proper, well-made sports bra, except for the Nike store about 1 hour away. But who knew if they’d even have what I want? Because I wanted something that doubled as a regular bra, I want with this. Great for light activity and all the racerback tops you end up finding here! (I kid you not – about 80% of the tanks I see for sale here are racerback. Something to note.)
- Basic tank tops: I cannot stress enough how key this is! I did not bring my favorite beaters with me, for fear that they’d be too “revealing” only to find that in Goa, they throw decency out the window. Most of the time here, less is more. So I had a couple colorful ones and a beige one that can be dressed up or down. *For those of you heading elsewhere in India, make sure you have other options with sleeves.
- American Apparel black leggings: It gets cold here in Goa in January. And half the tops are tunics. Leggings just make sense.
- SanDisk 8GB Flash Drive: I only brought two of these (2 and 4GB) and they are already full. I’ll be upgrading to an external hard drive soon.
- Essential oil – Egyptian Goddess: If you have a favorite oil or perfume, do yourself a favor and bring it unless it’s extremely common. I can go into any shop here and find most oils but not this. Again, ordered from Amazon and shipped home.
- Ziplock bags: Hard to find, super handy. Anything from food, liquids, loose batteries, toilet rolls, etc.
- Cliff bars: I say I need these for “emergency situations” but the biggest emergency I’d had so far was having the flu and not wanting to get out of bed to eat, so I at a stash of Cliff bars. I’m not kidding myself – these will be gone before I arrive in Bangkok.
- Skinny watch: I mentioned this before, but it quickly came to my attention (swimming in the sea) that this watch is in fact not waterproof, so I had another one sent. It’s $20 and feels weightless on your wrist.
- Dove deodorant: Make note: I searched countless stores in North Goa for powder deodorant. It’s not available. Period. Unless you want the roll-on kind in a hot, sticky climate, do yourself a favor and bring exactly what you know and love.
- Alba SPF 45 face lotion: I have had the hardest time finding true, natural products here. I thought with all the ayurvedic treatments and whatnot it’d be relatively easy. But no – it is so commercialized here in Goa that they have all these American and knock-off brands with tons of chemicals and toxins. (Don’t even get me started on the yoga mats here…they actually infuse them with a permanent stench of chemicals.) This product is readily available at Whole Foods and has done wonders for my skin.
- Jarrow Formulas Saccharomyces Boulardii + Mos 5 billion probiotics (90 count): This stuff is amazing. It’s room temperature stable so no worries for long-term traveling. 90 count lasts 2-3 months. These are great to take during any long plane or train rides. Really helps to keep everything in check.
And of course my Mom snuck in some other edible goodies that shall remain nameless :)
When I meet my awesome parents in Thailand in early February, I’ll inevitably have another long list of stuff, which will be nicely packed in my amazing new replacement suitcase they will be bringing on the plane. I’ve been waiting patiently for a couple of months now, as the cost to ship it to India would have run at least $500. Luckily I’ve been staying in one place for the most part.
Looking at the beginning of my current list for them to bring in February, I’ll leave with these last few suggestions:
- Good pens
- Good toothbrush
- And for all you ladies, tampons! For some reason they are almost impossible to find here.
Happy travels!
xoxo
Amy Carole
The Baba was taken away today by the Indian Police, right as we arrived to the Banyan Tree. I had waited over a month to finally see this man, to finally sit with him, and we arrived to this scene instead. The police had come a number of times before, but he hadn’t ever been taken away until now.
In India there are many babas – respected, holy men – and many of these babas choose to live off the land and a few meager possessions. It reminds me of the samanas in the forests in Siddhartha, living in the woods. Babas can be like gurus, healing, helping & teaching those people who come.
This baba has been living in north Arambol under a massive banyan tree. I first heard about him the third week into my yoga course. My friend Pam had wandered around the cliffs on the beach and walked into the forests, only to stumble upon this man sitting with a number of people deep in the cliffs. She sat with him for a while, talking to him, chanting, meditating, having a lovely time. Suddenly, she sees the police arriving. They searched people, pretty much looking for drugs, and arrested a local Goan because he didn’t have proper ID. But the baba remained that day.
So I walked into the forests with my friends this morning. To get there you walk around the cliffs, past countless shops built right into the rock, each selling the exact some thing.
“I give you good price!” :)
This lets out onto the beach, where you turn inland and walk through a gorgeous canopy of palm trees and banyans, with a steep, rocky stream running through it. It is absolutely stunning when you really take it all in – something out of Jurassic Park.
As we walked into the forest we passed a group of people who warned us the police had arrived, giving the Baba trouble this time for not having his ID, claiming he is not a real baba (whatever that means…I found myself wondering if in India you can get “Baba” on your ID). We kept walking and soon ran into a man with a hip-height stick, blocking the path.
“Where are you going?” he said.
“To the banyan tree. Excuse us.”
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“What are you doing?” replies Melanie, as the four of us squeeze past him.
We climb up to the tree and see him there with three other men, police but in no uniform whatsoever. I see the baba sitting underneath this magnificent tree, and you could just see the fear in his eyes. Jen – who’d been there a number of times – she goes up and gives him a big hug, comforting him. She later told me he was shaking.
I was in awe. Between the cops being there in plainclothes, looking at the baba with a sort of compassion I’d never seen in a cop; to the banyan tree, in all its glory; to the space itself, so inviting and filled with love. The energy here was undeniably loving, despite this situation with the cops. Jen and Baba spoke and she agreed to take his backpack, sleeping bag and journal back to her place. What was unfolding was quite amazing to me, because literally hundreds of people are coming to sit with this Baba every week, and here is Jen holding his things safe until he gets back. (Which I’m sure will be very soon.) As he was escorted away from his home, I put my hands to my heart and said Namaste, exchanging one last look.
Few words were exchanged. I paid no mind to the other people. I silently grabbed a blanket and looked around. The energy of this place was stunning, with the incense and fire still burning, the flowers on the altar still fresh, a half-eaten plate of chaat on the ground along with four half-full classes of masala chai. It was clear that the Baba’s presence remained. So I sat with him.
Just another Sunday morning in Arambol.
UPDATE: The Baba was released this evening and gathered his things, heading back to the banyan tree. I love happy endings.
Part of living in the moment is learning to let go of the past. Letting go with compassion and acceptance, without judging or wanting, so they you can fully embrace the current moment. When living in New York City, I was a typical Type-A personality. Always on the go, living by my calendar, packing as much high-energy activity into my days as possible. Physical, social, metaphysical, spiritual – you name it, I was involved in it, and on a daily basis. Any given day I’d get up before the sunrise, meditate, maybe go for a long run, fix a lovely breakfast, head off to work on my bike, run some errands during my lunch break, go from work straight to yoga, then cook or meet friends for a meal, then maybe a phone call with a friend, squeeze in some writing before bed, then finally lights out. I always balanced this insanity with yoga, meditation and reiki, so I felt quite centered and full of energy. It was somewhat of a challenge, almost a game, to fill up every waking hour of the day with something, even if that meant a quiet walk around Central Park or some other solitary time for reflection. Yes…I actually scheduled time for self-reflection. I suppose you can’t get any more New Yorker than that, eh?
This was one of the reasons I had to leave. I needed a different pace, a different setting to further explore myself and the world, without the distractions of everyday life that I so easily entertained. I knew that I couldn’t keep up that lifestyle without some form of burnout, so I decided to take a long, extended break to travel and regroup. For months I planned this “trip of a lifetime”, reading countless blogs and books as I gathered advice from others who had done something similar. I prepared for this like a classic type A person would: lots of lists, notes, research, more lists, questions, precautions, etc. It was exhausting and exhilarating and gave me something to look forward to. But now that I’m on the road, I am realizing how much energy was wasted reading about other people’s experiences, rather than fully living in the moment of my last months in NYC.
Perhaps that is why I am having some trouble letting go of what I left behind. I find myself reminiscing countless times per day, thinking about friends, teachers, familiar places and sounds. For a brief moment, I am thrilled to be “reliving” those things, but then that moment quickly passes and I realize I am halfway across the world, living new moments. And the key to being fully aware of these new experiences is to be fully present, here and now. I find that each time I bring myself back to the present, I immediately see the true gift that I have given myself.
Man, life here is so different. So simple and beautiful. The pace is slow. I don’t even own a watch anymore. The biggest thing on my to-do list these days is hand washing my clothes. The other day I was walking back from my lunchtime swim in the sea and stopped for over ten minutes to watch a chicken and her baby chicks literally kick around dirt.
Self-exploration, a journey, whatever you want to call it. I said goodbye to amazing things and people in order to pursue something different, something more challenging, something unknown. And so far it has been all those things and more. Perhaps I keep going back to the past in order to feel a sense of security when I feel lost. Perhaps it’s for a sense of belonging when I feel alone. In truth, I am having the time of my life here and am surrounded by amazing people with beautiful energy. I don’t need to hold onto the past in order to validate myself or anything that I am doing now, because each passing moment is a chance to embrace new experiences and people as this journey unfolds. So with that in mind, I give thanks for everything I had before, and with gratitude, I let it go.
Adjectives alone cannot do justice to how great the Indian people are as a whole. They are incredibly kind, giving, resilient, easy-going, and so much more. The story below epitomizes the difference between how the Indian people interact versus how we are in the West.
Our taxi driver Mohamet never went to school and cannot read, but taught himself English by simply listening to foreigners speak on the beach, in his taxi, etc. I’ve been invited into his home, met his nephews and niece, and jammed out to Linkin Park in the car. He is hilarious, like an Indian Eddie Murphy, so my friends and I are sending him a DVD of Coming To America.
Last Saturday, Mohamet drove us to a night market in Anjuna and waited in the parking lot while we wandered around and shopped. Once we were ready to leave, we piled into his small SUV and started to back out of the crowded lot. Out of nowhere, he slams on the breaks and there is a quick commotion as we realize we came within millimeters of hitting a man on a scooter. Uh oh, I thought, this could be a problem. Instead, the parking lot security guard comes over and in the next few seconds I hear Mohamet, the guard and the man on the scooter start laughing big, hearty laughs.
No matter that a man could have gotten seriously injured. It was as if the near-accident itself had caused them to bond and share a laugh. I was in awe, thinking how differently this would have gone down had it happened at home. The stress that we put on our minds when things don’t go our way, our quickness to blame others – rather than understand – causes us so much dis-ease, confliction, and separation from our fellow human beings. That quick incident serves to remind me how we should all approach life.
It’s 11pm on a Friday night, my first day off since this yoga teacher training (“YTT”) began. The yoga shala and most of my fellow trainees’ huts are dark, as we are all quite worn down from a demanding, intense week. Temperature is about 80 degrees and humid. Mosquitoes are in full swing around the naked hanging light bulbs at the entrance to the lake, but by some luck they seem to ignore me completely. Sitting beside the lake under a clear sky, I can hear a hippie cover band playing at an expat beach joint called Surf Club. My YTT is being held at a retreat space called Whispering Lakes, tucked between two towns in North Goa, about a 20 minute walk from either Arambol or Mandrem and directly behind the Arabian Sea.
Goa is a small southwestern state with a large Christian population due to the Portuguese rule over the past few centuries. It is now easily the most liberal state in this amazing country. Because of the heavy Western influence – furthered by tourists on holiday or just traveling through, as well as the countless expats that live here – you can walk around the streets in relatively normal clothing and not get stared at and harassed by the locals. This also means it’s quite easy to find Western accommodations that have things that we take for granted like showers, heated water, toilet paper…or even “Western” toilets at all! Suffice to say, it’s a great transitional place to start this journey.
Things have been pretty much non-stop since I arrived in India 11 days ago. My quick trip in Bombay (Mumbai) was fantastic. Meeting three of my favorite girls halfway across the world was such a treat. We saw the Taj Mahal hotel, the Gates of India, walked around famed Colaba, and haggled with the best of them on Linking Road.
A friend hooked me up with the best local to know in all of Bombay, and he took us around for a relaxing night on the town, stopping at various chaat vendors for some straight-up Indian street food, then off to a high-roller night at the roofdeck lounge of the Four Seasons. Right next door to the hotel were homes made of scrap metal.
After a quick stint in Bombay we flew to Goa and spent three days touring around the area. Anyone who comes here has got to visit the spice plantations in Ponda, where you tour an active plantation, learn about the different spices (did you know that bay leaves and cinnamon bark comes from the same tree?) and eat an amazing meal on a banana leaf.
We visited a World Heritage site with stunning old temples and churches, spent an afternoon of pampering at an Ayurvedic Health Centre, and had a curious visit to the opening ceremony for the temple of a “destiny reader”. This man told my friend Dina that she was to drop her last name and go only by “Dina”, even on her passport. He told me I was a soldier and had stomach problems. And Nicole is apparently destined to be famous, but not in her home country. Curious indeed. We also had a ridiculous experience renting scooters and driving to the “beach” in Calangute, only to find it filled with garbage and oogling locals everywhere we turned.
This was not the relaxing Goa we’d expected, so we booked it and headed up to Vagator Beach instead. Much more our speed, we spent an entire morning and afternoon on the beach with the Russians and cows. On little Vagator Beach, I got a pair of “Ray Bans” for $3.00, petted a cow, and saw the most beautiful sand I’ve even seen in my life. The water is so clear here and the land so rich with minerals that the sand sparkles like diamonds in the water.
It’s funny how even at an expensive hotel here, the power still goes out regularly, the water mysteriously turns off, and the internet works about 25% of the time. But hey, we’re in India…so as the locals say, “no problem”!
Amy Carole
