Something happened today in yoga class. Both this morning and afternoon class, something powerful started brewing. It came into the eyes around the room, almost like a wave coming up and settling slowly across the room. It happened a few times and each time I saw it, I felt a sense of overwhelming peace. Like epitomizing the reason for teaching in the first place.
Today was about balance. After a long holiday weekend, many of us can say our sense of balance was tested in more ways than one. And not to blame fireworks, fishing, eating and whatever else you indulge in on the 4th of July. Our balance is tested everyday. Relationships, work life, diet, activity, you name it. We are constantly striving to figure out what mix works best for us. At least we should be.
Living a life in balance takes practice. I sure as hell work on it on a daily basis. In asana, everything takes practice. As Sri K. Pattabhi Jois said, Practice, practice, practice, practice.
Today we explored how the keys to achieving balancing poses in asana directly relates to living our lives.
Pop quiz: Can you do this?
My answer for every one of them? YES
As we made our way into more difficult arm balances, I decided to share one of my favorite quotes:
“Simply put, the reason there are things you want in life that have not yet appeared, is because you’re just not used to thinking of yourself with them.” -The Universe aka Mike Dooley
A teacher once told us if we can hold ourselves in chaturanga dandasana, we could do this pose (version of parsva bakasana). That changed everything.
So I shared with the room. Suddenly, people perked up and started giving it a shot. As I watched them – fully in their moment, their determination, concentration and breath all working together – I felt my heart melting just a little bit with every try. This was yoga.
In yoga, we are not working on the poses. We are working on ourselves.
So what are the tools for balancing in asana?
- Foundation: Everything starts with a strong foundation. Feel your body firmly rooted to the earth and pressing down to rise up.
- Breath: Breathing evenly and controlled. Not getting flustered, upset or crossing past your edge – these are things that cause us to hold the breath or breathe erratically. Relaxing completely, feeling at ease and joyful in your actions.
- Core: Strength comes from the inside out. Feeling strong and steady in your core allows you to move purposefully and with integrity.
- Focus: Gazing at an unwavering dristi point in front of you, softening your stare to an intent yet relaxed state. Letting whatever else is happening around you fade into the background.
- Attitude: Ah, it always comes back to the mind. In asana, when you fall, just laugh, get up and try it again. This is what makes you stronger.
Such is life. Such is life.
I’ve been a naughty blogger. I know this. Yes, I stopped mid-Bali. So to update…I arrived home a little over two weeks ago after an inspiring amazingness-filled seven month adventure. Life-changing? You bet. So much to be grateful for.
I cannot begin to wrap up that last month I spent in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Suffice to say it was the pinnacle of my entire trip, with the best people and energy and yoga and…fruit…oh the fruit! And black mango sticky rice…Ok ok, back to the post. I miss Thailand and all the amazing souls I met there, but the show must go on.
And go on, it has! Life since arriving back to America has been fabulous.
Things are happening. I don’t wanna get all Secret on you here, but seriously, you believe it and envision it, and it will find a way to you. Almost every day something happens. I’m starting to feel like paying the Universe for overtime. And you know what? It’s because I wholeheartedly believed life was gonna be amazing the second I got back. None of that “adjustment” stuff. Ok, of course I had insane jetlag for a week. But I let it do its thing, had an 11 hour sleep one night and poof, jetlag be gone.
I first spent 8 days in my hometown in St. Louis, MO. Unpacking takes serious dedication! I had a massive box from India, covered in over 200 stamps. I’d never seen anything like it. Mahavir from Arambol came through, good man! Going through my India things was like opening an incense-filled chapter of a book. So many stories, so many things, new and old, were stuffed into those bags. I found my glass and mirror mosaic elephant – my pride and joy purchase from India – in pieces at the bottom of that bag. A wooden Ganesh broke, too. I guess India was saying, as a reminder: aparigraha (non-attachment). Oh well, I have good memories of that thing on my altar in the Pink Palace, Arambol, Goa.
I bought too many random gifts. Never doing that again. I had this bag from Bali filled with things that I dragged from Bali to Thailand then left it in Bangkok while I went to Chiang Mai for three weeks. In Chiang Mai I bought a thai massage mat + bag (awesome!), which bumped me up to three pieces of checked luggage, and meant paying a $150 excess baggage fee. Great, I thought. What a way to go out spending money. Well, I think the Universe sent a little angel to guide me out of Thailand and on my way home. From the moment I left Bangkok in a taxi to the airport, things were in my favor. We were late, so we floated through traffic. My driver – this adorable Thai man – played John Denver’s “Leavin’ On A Jet Plane.” I cried happy tears, remembering listening to this song as a kid on road trips with my family. I arrived with my three massive bags and a ridiculously long Balinese handmade dragon kite wrapped in paper (for the nephew, of course J. Rushing to the counter with my stuff I tell the Thai Air woman I have excess bags and need to pay for it. She looks at my stuff and kinda frowns…
”You can’t carry any of those on?”
I said no, they are clearly too big.
Can you combine them?, she asks.
Hmmm…maybe I can.
Still, she said she’d have to weigh them to make sure they’d pass the weight limit.
“28 kilos. The limit is 25. Can you take something out?”
Ugg. Not really. I took out a book and watched the weight go nowhere.
So instead of saying ok, looks like you’ll have to pay the fees, she looked at me and motioned to the luggage wrapping station by the entrance. “Go there, I’ll let them on as one piece.”
Bam bam, another obstacle averted. I showed up to the luggage wrapping guy and he looks at my bags, tells me it’ll be 200 bhat (instead of their listed 240). I look in my wallet and I literally only have two 100 bhat bills left, along with some change. Smiling, I handed the notes to him.
The list of things like this go on. Suffice to say I made it home just fine. I even got to take a shower in the Tokyo airport. If you ever get a chance to do this, take it. It’s so luxurious amidst all the chaos and waiting!
With eight days in St. Louis, I saw my some of my best friends in the world, gave away some massages, ran a 10K, demoed a badass Specialized bike, and sampled the STL yoga scene. One week later, I packed up my stuff – again – this time for three months in Northwest Michigan….and Tahoe, NYC, upstate NY plus a wedding.
Michigan and me have a long, memorable past. Every summer of my life I’ve come to the same summer vacation town, a community of cottages in the woods and lakeside. People have been coming here for generations. Our cottage – “the Hut” – is nestled at the top of a hill in the middle of a beautiful, ancient birch and maple tree forest. This place is like my second life, my second love…not many people ever see this side of me. That’s me, in the top-right room of the “addition”.
This place inspires. We bike. We play tennis. Visit the local farmer and craft markets. We cook, hike, kayak, read, campfire, ‘smore, sunset, pick berries. Life moves at a different pace here. Every single person I’ve taken up here over the years has fallen in love with and felt the pull of Crystal Lake, Frankfort, Sleeping Bear Dunes…”Up North” in general. Think everything on “Main Street”, tourists walking down the sidewalk with waffle cones of homemade cherry ice cream, 1950’s A&W trucks cruising down the road, the beach packed with people watching the sunset over the pier and lighthouse.
I’ve been here every summer of my life, and I wasn’t about to miss it in 2011. While in Thailand in March during the vipassana, I realized I wanted to be here come June with my family. I told myself, when I go up there I’ll stay for the entire summer, teaching yoga and pilates at Anna’s studio, Studio On Main. I had no idea how I’d actually accomplish that at the time, but I put the idea out there. After one initial email and a little intervention from the Universe again, I was on the Summer schedule before I even arrived back Stateside.
So here I am, teaching yoga, pilates and meditation at the one yoga studio in the small, bustling vacation town of Frankfort, MI. Aside from teaching 7-8 classes per week, I’m doing Thai Yoga Therapy privately.
So. Back to manifestation. (Yes, I’m about to get all Secrety on you.)
Thoughts become things. It’s true.
And it’s time people start using that gift to change their reality and shine some more loving, positive light in this world.
Thoughts become things. Choose the good ones. (Thanks Mike Dooley!)
xo
Ames
PS. Hello Summer, officially coming June 21st! Summer smells sooo good.
Even eating is a sacred experience at Wat Suan Mokkh. Every meal, we waited until every person had filled their bowl and taken their seat. Then we said a food reflection. Saying this twice per day was quite powerful. Can you imagine how we’d feel if we took the time to reflect and appreciate our food before every meal?
With wise reflection I eat this food.
Not for play, not for intoxicification.
Not for fattening, not for beautification.
Only to maintain this body. To stay alive and healthy.
To support the spiritual way of life.
Thus I let go of unpleasant feelings, and do not stir up new ones.
Thereby the process of life goes on, blameless, at ease, and in peace.
Day 9: The Great Day of Silence
No dharma talks, no message board, no hot spring, no interviews, no lunch. This day of solitude, meditation and internal reflection was a very powerful, personal journey – and I’d like to leave it as such.
Day 10
Our last morning reading was about how this Vipassana meditation retreat is a way to help one better integrate with society once you leave – not about shutting yourself out of society. I think this is such an important thing to discuss. In my travels I’ve met so many people who go on these binges of cutting themselves out of society to go inward, only to let go completely once they come back to regular life. I don’t see the point in this. It’s like going on a strict detox program for 10 days, only to go back to smoking, drinking and fried food immediately after. The Buddhists have a great lesson in their “Middle Path”. So for those who shy away from meditation because they don’t think they can “dedicate” the time to doing 30+ minutes of meditation per day, I have a little piece of advice. It’s not about cutting out other things in your life in order to develop a meditation practice. It’s about making time for just 5 minutes per day in the morning to sit and observe the mind. Then maybe sitting and consciously breathing as you wait for your morning train. Or switching off your computer screen, closing your office door, and sitting quietly for 10 minutes when you feel overwhelmed. It’s about reconnecting with your breath and your body, and tuning into what you really need. Small, simple changes that can have a profound effect on your physical and emotional health, especially stress levels. And these personal changes can and do effect those around you, causing a ripple effect of calming, positive energy into the world. Isn’t that worth 5 minutes a day?
On our last day, I spent a lot of time reflecting on this overwhelming sense of clarity that had come to surface. I started to think about the rocky dirt path that led to the dining hall. We walked this path at least three times per day, back and forth. The middle part of the path was filled with small, jagged gray rocks, and on each side of the wide path were smaller dirt-packed footpaths. Although these side footpaths were much easier on the feet, there were still many rocks one had to avoid or gingerly step over. Since I took to walking around barefoot at the beginning of the retreat, I spent many times walking over these rocks. I noticed that when I was walking with awareness, each step slow and deliberate, I never felt pain. But there were some times when my mind went wandering, mindfulness completely gone, and without warning I’d feel the sharp, jagged rock edges jutting into the sole of my foot. Many times I almost cried out in pain. This rude awakening would cause me to breathe for a moment, reassess my state of mind, and hopefully return to a state of mindful walking, really bringing awareness into each step. I realized that throughout the retreat, I never once hurt myself when walking over the rocks with this awareness. So on Day 10, it dawned on me that this was analogous to how we live our lives. When we move about our lives with awareness, we are in control and do not feel pain. Sure, “painful” things may take place, but it does not affect us in the same way. Look at the people who walk on fire or sharp nails. Are they physically any different from us? Of course not. They are just using the power of the mind to transcend the pain. I sat with this realization throughout the last day.
The schedule this day was different. Everything remained the same until the afternoon. Instead of chanting or meditation from 4-6pm, we met in the meditation hall for a talk called “Work is Dhamma”. The chanting monk first gave a talk about how contributing to the monastery grounds was a very big part of monastic life. How the sweat from physical labor is considered to be holy water, helping to wash away the impurities of the mind and instill a sense of integrity through selfless service. So from 5-6pm the women and men separated to do their labor. While the men carried dirt and sand across the grounds, we ventured over to a nearby center for women and raked leaves. Every one of us women either had a rake or a big woven basket, helping one another make big piles of leaves and then carry them to a larger pile to be collected or burned…I’m not quite sure. I have to admit – my mind was not calmed by this activity at all. Instead, I found myself deciding that I’d prefer to pay someone to do work like this. And look at how you can help the community by paying someone a living wage to complete work for you. Although I felt a twinge of guilt in this, I have to be true to myself. Side note: When I have my own garden I will be happy to get my hands dirty pulling weeds, raking leaves, etc. But for the moment, I’ll choose to outsource :)
The two women who sat in front of me had started talking openly almost constantly by the last day. It was a big source of frustration for me, and a lesson at the same time. Each time I saw them, I’d try to send loving kindness their way, telling myself they must be having quite a hard time. This afternoon I noticed one of them kept taking her hair and twirling it on top of her head, trying to tie it up, but it kept falling down. Clearly she needed something to help hold up her hair. So I tapped her on the shoulder and handed her a hair tie. She smiled and said thank you – with her eyes, silently. Loving kindness feels really good.
Later that day, the girl I’d given the baggie of Prickly Heat came up to me and handed me a little bracelet she had made. It was simple and made of plastic. On it was a note that said “thanks for the powder! Don’t worry, you don’t have to wear it :) ” After reading the note, I walked back over to her with a smile and just held out my arm and the bracelet, silently inviting her to put it on for me. Like I said, loving kindness feels so good, and it comes back to you in countless ways.
In the evening, we had a sharing gathering in the meditation hall. Participants were welcomed to share with others any insights or comments they had about their experience at the retreat. Each speaker who came up had 5 minutes to talk. The first thing I noticed was how strange it was to hear people talk. I’d just spent 10 days looking at these people, wondering where they might be from, what they might be like, etc. The speeches were fun to hear and varied greatly. While one woman talked about her need for art, music and sex – and therefore her rejection of Buddhism – another guy basically got up there to say how it was a good experience and all, waking up at 4am, and that the next day he planned to go to the islands and stay up till 4am partying. That got a good laugh. With the path of rocks still on my mind, I went up there to share my realization about walking with mindfulness over the rocks, and how it applies to our daily lives.
The next morning we woke up for a short meditation, then straight back to our rooms to pack our belongings and head to the dining hall for tea and our goodbyes. It’s amazing how quickly people fell into conversation, creating social groups based on language, hometowns or even parting off with others who shared a similar style of dress. Not that any of that is wrong, or bad. It’s just how human beings congregate, how we like to feel part of something greater, cultivating a sense of belonging. I easily fell into a group of three other Americans. We ended up going to the nearby town, buying overnight train tickets for Bangkok and sitting in a café all afternoon, chatting with each other until it came time to catch the train. We ate junk food. We drank coffee. We used the internet and cell phones. And we talked…for 12 hours straight.
Day Six
By day six, I think I’d looked a man in the eyes maybe three times since the retreat began. It really does stir up some strong emotions; I found that avoiding those distractions is very nice. Instead, I found peace and solitude in the walking meditations, as they became more and more therapeutic for me.
I found myself connecting to nature even more during these times, walking slowly and deliberately, noticing everything taking place around me. On this particular day I was walking around the lake and spotted a male bird up in a tree calling out to his mate, who was on another branch about ten feet away. I watched as he jumped over to her branch. They kissed twice then proceeded to mate. After only about 10 seconds or so, the female flew away to the other side of the tree, almost as if she preferred to have more privacy. As I contemplated this, I looked away and down at the ground. My eyes immediately fell on a line of ants walking across the path…and onto the biggest ant I’d ever seen. It was easily an inch long, its three body parts the size of small peas. I was so shocked that I silently called over my meditation neighbor, pointing to this monster ant. It’s amazing, sometimes, the wonder we find in the simplicity of things.
After a few minutes of marveling at ants, I turned to the lake and noticed a shape moving through the water. It looked like the head of a turtle. Interesting, I thought, and walked towards it as it swam in the direction of the “Nibbana Island” in the middle of the lake. I walked down the cement path onto the island and, as I inched closer to the swimming creature, I realized its neck was much too long for a turtle. As it came into full view, I found myself face to face with a massive lizard…it looked like a miniature dragon. I later found out it was a monitor lizard. I’d never seen anything like it. As it crawled up onto the island, drawing its body halfway out of the water, I noticed his hands were huge – even larger than a small child’s. I kept looking around at other people meditating, and wanted so badly to point and say “come here, check this thing out!” But I kept quiet, respecting the solitude each of us had come to find, and silently marveled at the creature for another ten minutes or so.
Suddenly, I heard footsteps behind me and turned around to see this man walking towards me. I’ll call him The White Cowboy. He walked up in his all white outfit and his cowboy hat, and proceeded to tell me I was not supposed to be walking – I should be either chanting with the others or meditating in the main hall. He was quite worked up about it. I looked around for a moment, seeing at least ten other people wandering about on their own. Then looked back at him and said, well, I am doing a walking meditation. He continued to tell me that I was not following the rules, and that an announcement had been made about this…”but I guess you weren’t paying attention.”
Wow, I thought, as he walked away. I immediately felt a rush of anger, and guilt, two things I hadn’t felt in a long time. I realized this was a perfect test of mindfulness. From then on, every time I saw the White Cowboy, I tried to send him loving kindness, telling myself that he was only trying to help. I did this for two days until, for whatever reason, he left the retreat on Day 8.
During the sitting meditations in the main hall I found myself watching spiders often. For some reason they really liked to spin webs in front of me – connecting my two front neighbors’ cushions with their strong threads. With a smile on my face, I wondered Do spiders ever get tired of a web and abandon them, unfulfilled and unfinished? And why don’t they get stuck in their own webs?
Message Board:
Do not be discouraged by wandering thoughts or daydreams. Each time there is awareness of the mind wandering, gently bring it back. No matter how many times this happens, if each time the wandering mind is brought back, the hour will be well spent.
Day 7
At 3am I woke up to use the bathroom. As I jumped down from my concrete bed and opened the door, a bat flew out of the room, just inches above my head. I just ducked and kept walking.
The food at Wat Suan Mokkh is really amazing. Sometimes in Thailand it can be quite difficult to find light, vegetarian Thai food with brown rice. Even though we only ate twice per day, I felt quite spoiled by all these great dishes. Always the entrepreneur, I found myself wanting to approach the staff about starting a Wat Suan Mokkh recipe book to sell to the participants.
In the dining hall was a little shop to buy small things like shampoo, t-shirts, toilet paper, etc. It was open on days 1, 2, 3 and 6. The day before I overheard a girl asking about this body talcum powder called Prickly Heat. (Yes, it’s a hilarious name, and a seriously awesome product!) I had a whole can of it in my room, so that morning I’d put some in a baggie with a little note on how to use it. Before the morning Dharma talk, I handed it to her, smiled and just walked away. Random acts of kindness are even more gratifying in silence.
A lot of people started talking by day 7…I could feel the energy shifting within the remaining participants. Either they were ready to leave and never turn back, or they are going even deeper inside themselves. I was definitely in the latter group.
On the first day of the retreat, I kept hearing a bird with a very distinctive call, and quickly made the mistake of telling myself it sounded like the bird was saying “It’s Wat Suan Mokkh! It’s Wat Suan Mokkh!” Gosh, how I regret coming up with that. From that day on, every time I heard that bird call, that’s what I thought. Every. Single. Time. I told myself that I could transcend it, learn to ignore it, start to hear the sound for what it really is. That never happened. In fact, the first morning I arrived in Bali and sat down to meditate outside, I heard the same exact bird… It’s Wat Suan Mokkh! It’s Wat Suan Mokkh! I’ve learned to listen to it with a smile, a little reminder that there is always more work to be done.
Message Board:
“In the process of Dhamma, we don’t have to fight others, but instead conquer our own minds, patiently resisting all our moods.” –Ajahn Chah
Like fruit ripening on a tree. As the sun shines on it, the fruit ripens, although from one day to the next, the process may seem imperceptible. In the same way, the changes and ripening in our mind are also going on.
Day 8
This morning, I realized there is a bat camping out in the corner of my room. I keep finding little bat pellets in a concentrated area. Oh well, what to do?
There was one woman who had a wooden bed in her room rather than the concrete slab. Well, today I heard she had bed bugs – they’d been living in the wood. I saw the bites on her legs and was instantly grateful to have a concrete bed. However, I seemed to be facing my own difficulties with critters. In the past day or so, I’d felt crawling in my hair, to the point that I could not sit in meditation without vigorously scratching at my scalp every few minutes. I was so paranoid that I’d picked up lice that I went to the head nun and asked what I should do. With tears of frustration in my eyes, I sat facing her with my long wavy hair spilling down my shoulders and looked at her serene, completely bald head. As soon as the question left my lips, I realized the irony of my question. In a nutshell, she told me to show the critters loving kindness. They are so small, so harmless…and we are so big…they certainly cannot hurt me. So basically she said I needed to get over it. Can you imagine hearing that in America?
Read on to Part 5
Message Board:
The Monkey Trap: In Southeast Asia there is a popular monkey trap made from a halved coconut in the ground. The hunters cut a hole in the bottom of the coconut and put a treat underneath, lodged between the ground and the shell. When a monkey comes by and smells the treat, he sticks his hand through the hole and grabs onto the treat. While the hole is large enough for an open monkey hand to pass through, a closed monkey fist cannot pull out through the hole. But the monkey clings to the treat with such gusto, refusing to loosen the grip on the food, that he sits with his arm stuck until a hunter comes along and captures him.
“It is the desires and clinging in our mind which keeps us trapped. All we need to do is open our hands, let go of ourselves, our attachments, and be free.”
Day 4
By now, getting up at 4am is a piece of cake. I had an amazing yoga practice in the floating meditation hall. For the first time in the retreat I wore a tank top, and it made my practice so much more comfortable. Exposing your shoulders is a big no-no, but with temps well over 80 degrees and extremely humid – even before sunrise – it was worth breaking the rules for.
I started to feel a real sense of clarity developing at this point. Some people might see me as being in a place of uncertainty right now. I could go anywhere next, choose anything, and I’m perfectly happy being in that place. Lately though, I’ve been feeling that itching urge to be back in the US for the summer, mainly to be in Northern Michigan with my family, getting back into cycling, experiencing the untouched nature of the area, and getting started on some big projects. And the things I’m setting up will allow me to continue traveling, so I don’t feel the need to see everything right now. As the retreat went on, this sense of clarity grew greater and greater. With it came a rush of business ideas, two of which I continued to think about anytime I wanted a break from concentration and meditation. One was so exciting that I found myself distracted by all the brainstorming. I’d be deep in meditation and suddenly get this idea, wanting so badly to write it down but also not wanting to break the rules of the retreat. So I signed up to speak with Nun Aree the following day for advice.
Every day we started to see inspirational messages posted on the board in the dining hall. Males and females had their own boards, and would stand in front reading the different passages and taking notes. I began copying down the ones that resonated with me. I’ll start posting these at the end of each day.
While we had private toilets, the bathing area was communal. There were two big concrete water pools of fresh water in the back of the dorms with small buckets resting on the edge. In order to bathe, we’d put on a sarong, stand on the side of the pool with our toiletries, and pour water from the bucket. It was not uncommon to have three or four girls standing there, all sharing the space together silently. I found it quite relaxing, actually, and of course it was very modest with everyone in their sarongs. There were these white PVC tubes sticking out of the center of each pool, and 9 times out of 10 we’d see a little frog there, just watching us.
We truly were living as one with nature. Lizards, spiders, frogs, cockroaches, bats, etc…they went in and out of our rooms just as much as we did. I never thought the day would come, though, where I would help a girl get a cockroach out of her travel bag – in silence, no less! This was one of the girls who ended up leaving that day, and I couldn’t help but think if the cockroach had anything to do with it.
By day four, a few people started talking openly. Not much, but it was definitely distracting. As I fell asleep this night, I heard some women talking right outside my window. I couldn’t help but be disturbed by it, wanting to go outside and “sushhh” them silently. But part of the Buddhist practice is compassion, and so I accepted it and drifted off to sleep.
Message board:
At times during the practice it may seem as if nothing much is happening except a lot of pain, restlessness, agitation and doubt. But, in fact, every moment of awareness, every moment of mindfulness helps to weaken the chain of our attachments.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
When we find ourselves tensing because of pain, examine the quality of unpleasantness carefully, the quality of painfulness. Become mindful of that feeling and the mind will naturally come to a state of balance. When the mind is silent, relaxed and attentive, pain is experienced not as a solid mass, but as a flow, arising and vanishing moment to moment. Sit with a relaxed and calm mind, observing the flow of sensations, without aversion, without expectation.
Day Five
I had my first experience of lust creeping up in the form of sexual attraction. After four days of averting eye contact with any men and not having the distraction of the opposite sex, I fell off the wagon in a matter of seconds during my morning yoga practice, of all places.
There was one man who practiced ashtanga yoga right next to me. Just as I had the day before, I set up my mat, took off my long sleeve shirt and started my practice in a tank top. It was still pitch dark outside so at first I didn’t notice him, but as the sun started to rise I became acutely aware that the guy next to me had taken his shirt off. It was very hot and stuffy so I don’t blame him. From then on, it took front and center in my mind the rest of my practice that morning. And even continued into the rest of the retreat. I’d see him and think there’s the ashtanga guy, who I see half naked every morning. This was precisely the reason we are asked to dress and act so conservatively while on the retreat grounds, so as to not stir up lustful, distracting thoughts. I got to thinking about how our culture is inundated with sex in our daily lives. I wonder what it’d be like if we stripped away all those messages. Would we be more focused, more confidant as we moved about our days?
I spoke with Nun Aree today for about 20 minutes. I’d interacted with her briefly on day two when my stomach was hurting and I was lying down in the main meditation hall. Lying down anywhere on the retreat grounds is a big no-no, so she had walked over and told me to sit up. When I walked up to her today, smiling and relaxed, she looked and me immediately said that I looked much happier than before, that my eyes were much brighter. I said yes, I’ve been feeling really great in the past few days. I then asked her a number of questions, and was quite pleased with the clear and balanced answers she gave me. I told her about my business planning “monkey mind” and asked what to do with my urge to write and brainstorm. She basically said it was fine to have these thoughts and to write them down, but not too much. Essentially finding the middle path, writing and planning in moderation. I loved that answer, and immediately went to buy a notebook to write in at the retreat shop during lunch.
From then on I carried around my notebook with my pen on top, ready to be used whenever the moment of inspiration struck. I would have considerable flashes of insight during my walking meditations. Always the techie looking for efficiency, I thought with a smile how convenient it would be to carry around a little recording devise to quickly document ideas during walking meditation…or anytime really. But of course, this was a silent retreat and I’d checked my iPod away with all my other “distractions” – so the notebook would have to do for now.
Today in the bathroom I saw the most beautiful lizard family. These lizards were similar to an iguana, but had the most distinctive coloring, like a pastel and gray combination. I observed a whole lizard family – the mother, father, and two little babies just hanging out in the toilet area in the cracks of the concrete ceiling. Any interesting animals in the dormitory grounds were cause for entertainment amongst us girls. It was not uncommon for someone to be silently motioning to the others around her to come and look at some creature. During a walking meditation this afternoon I spent a good 30 minutes watching ants walking around, letting them crawl onto my hands and discovering their path around and then off my body.
Looking back at my notes from today, I wrote down the phrase “many people are leaving” twice. It was more apparent today than any other. The energy of the retreat seemed to have shifted a bit on day five. We were halfway through this experience. For some people, I can imagine their thoughts were getting the best of them, the monkey mind turning to boredom and distraction. It’s a hard thing to sit with day in and day out. I felt a growing sense of compassion for those who decided to leave.
Message board:
Be gentle with yourself. Be persevering. Though it might not be apparent to you, there is a great transformation taking place.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The mind can become very malleable. If you work a piece of clay in making pottery, it becomes soft and easily shaped. When the awareness and concentration are developed, the mind also has that kind of workability and flexibility.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There should always be the greatest effort possible, without forcing, without creating tension.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Answered by Ajahn Chah from the Nongphapong Temple:
Q: I’m trying very hard in my practice but don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
A: This is very important . Don’t try to get anywhere in the practice. The very desire to be free or to be enlightened will be the desire that prevents your freedom. You can practice as hard as you wish, day and night, but if it is still with the desire to achieve in mind, you will never find peace. The energy from this desire will cause doubt and restlessness. No matter how long or hard you practice, wisdom will not arise from desire. So, simply let go. Watch the mind and body mindfully but don’t try to achieve anything. Don’t cling even to the practice of enlightenment.
Read on to Part 4
Feb 28th – Registration Day
With more and more people arriving the day before, there was a good crowd of participants ready to check into the retreat. We took a truck over to the site and went through a very organized process of reading the rules and regulations, handing in our passport and valuables, paying the $60 fee which went to our meals over the next 10 days, and were given one last chance to back out. We were then assigned a room and directed to put our things away at the dorm and be ready for an orientation tour in the late afternoon. Each room had a concrete bed built into the wall and a big window that looked into a lush and tropical courtyard. We were provided a lantern, mosquito net, straw mat, blanket and…dun dun dun….a wooden pillow. The dorm was obviously well-maintained. As I walked around I saw a number of large concrete water pools with plastic buckets we were to use for bathing and washing.
About 140 participants showed up to retreat. We started the orientation at the main meditation hall at 4pm. The open-air hall was very welcoming and minimalist, with women sitting to the right side, and men to the left. We each chose a spot which would be our designated place for the duration of the retreat, kind of like picking your chair on the first day of school. After laying out our meditation mats, pillows and optional stools, we listened to a young nun outline what to expect in the retreat. Next, we took a complete tour of the grounds – including the hot springs – and then walked to the dining hall for our last un-silent gathering for evening teatime. I was happy to find out that although we were not served food after lunchtime, every evening we were served some form of a hot, sweetened drink that ended up being quite filling. The best was the chocolate milk, hands down!
At 7pm we gathered in the main meditation hall again for the welcome speech by the abbot, Ahjan Poh, and the silence began. As the monastery bell rang at 9pm for bedtime, I walked wordlessly back to the dorm with the other women. With all my belongings unpacked and my bed as comfortable as I could make it, I lay under the mosquito net listening to the sounds of crickets singing in the night and fell fast asleep.
Day 1
Woke up to the monastery bell at 4am on the dot, a loud repetitive ringing that spans at least 5 minutes. I don’t see how anyone could possibly sleep through that. It certainly calmed any fears I had about sleeping through the morning wake-up…
Breakfast was rice soup with fresh veggies and bananas – today and every day of the retreat. Famished from not having dinner the night before, I had a ton of it, then headed to the hot spring afterward for a dip during our morning break. Women and men have separate hot springs, and you are required to wear a sarong at all times. The hot spring is amazing…I quickly fell into a routine of sitting in the hot water for a few minutes, then getting out and taking a cold shower for a minute or so, then back and forth like that for a couple more times. Laying on the hot springs steps neck-deep in natural, mineral rich water and looking up and the birds and the trees, I remember thinking that I could get used to this. And from that day on I made it a point to visit the springs every day after breakfast.
As we moved through the schedule of the day, meditation, Dhamma talks, more meditation, lunch, etc. I became incredibly tired. Each time we sat for meditation, I would keep drifting off and have to snap myself back to the present. They warned this would happen in the beginning, and recommended a few tips for when you’re feeling tired in meditation:
- Keep eyes slightly open – it’s much harder to drift off this way – and look at the ground (follow the line of the tip of your nose)
- Get up and practice standing meditation instead
- If all else fails, splash some water on your face
I remember feeling incredibly antsy over the course of this first day. I must have thought about leaving the retreat at least 5 times. It seemed like the longest day ever. To make matters worse, my stomach started acting up in the afternoon and I had a sinking feeling that I was going to have some problems because of that rice soup. I decided to give it one more day, and skipped the evening tea for a much-needed nap in my room.
Coming into this retreat, I had a daily meditation practice where I’d sit every morning for about 20 minutes in silence and try to clear my mind, observing any thoughts as they passed in my mind and doing my best not to judge or entertain any of them. On Day 1 we were introduced to the concept of Anapanasiti, a Buddhist meditation technique of mindfulness with breathing. Buddhadasa had become an expert on this technique, which is comprised of 16 steps that the Buddha himself taught as the method to enlightenment. Most normal people, however, are only concerned with the first 4 or 5 steps, and could easily spend a lifetime only mastering these steps. More on Anapanasiti later.
I fell asleep after my first full day with a growing sense of apprehension, wondering if I could really hack this for nine more days. Luckily I was so exhausted that within seconds I left those fears behind and drifted off to sleep…on my wooden pillow.
Day 2
I woke up quite easily at the sound of the 4am bell this morning, and every day following. Anyways, it’s hard to want to sleep in when you’re sleeping on a wooden pillow. Stomach was feeling even worse though, and continued to do so throughout the day, especially after a second morning of that rice soup. It was definitely the culprit. No matter what is served, we ate everything from a large metal bowl, either with hands or a metal spoon. We were told that the monks eat this way to avoid any unnecessary excitement about food. I’m not sure how well that worked though. When all you’re eating is rice soup for breakfast and no dinner, just about anything that is served for lunch becomes incredibly exciting!
The Dhamma talk was about Dukkah and why we as human beings suffer. We’ll get into that more tomorrow. Nun Aree said something that I found particularly interesting about the concept of “prison”. Clearly we were in a confined area, not able to step out of the boundaries of the retreat center, and living in concrete quarters with zero amenities.
I can see many people feeling like it was a prison, absolutely. The nun said that many things in life can be viewed as a prison: a toxic home, a failing marriage, miserable job, etc. We feel as though we’re in a prison because these are all situations we want to get out of. So being in the retreat center is something that we’ve done by choice, and for our own benefit, and this doesn’t fit her definition of prison. If you think about it, the regulations and boundaries are put in place to protect us from the outside world while we go through a 10-day path of self-discovery and reflection. Something to think about…
Every day at 5pm there was an optional chanting hour with one of the monks. I loved chanting in India and have a number of mantras I chant from time to time. On Day 1 I gave Buddhist chanting a try and it didn’t seem the same at all for me, did not resonate. So on Day 2 I took my mala beads and headed to a quite place to chant a Sanskrit Healing Mantra 108 times. That is pretty powerful stuff.
Day 3
Today I stopped wearing shoes or sunglasses. I haven’t given up sunglasses ever in my life…I’m that girl who will wear them in the rain my eyes are so sensitive. While that was a challenge, I actually loved giving up shoes…it’s not the first time I’ve done that. (Flashbacks to Summer of 2000 when I went three months without shoes! And only had to visit the hospital one time to remove a chard of glass….)
By Day 3 I was getting quite bored with the morning yoga class, and decided to seek out my own space to practice. Turns out there is a floating meditation hall that was just perfect for pre-dawn yoga. The space faces East and we practiced from 5:15am – 6:45am, so I got to see a beautiful sunrise every day from then on. I found myself wanting to do a pretty intense practice to combat all the sitting, wringing out my body as much as possible and doing tons of hip openers.
I had spoken with the head nun the evening before about my rice soup dilemma, and she said it would be ok to go in back and serve myself from the food the nuns and monks ate at breakfast. In order not to upset our “Dhamma friends” I had to sit in back though, so no one saw my special food. I quickly realized it’s the same food they serve for lunch so had to devise a system where I ate one dish at breakfast, and the other dish at lunch, so I didn’t get too bored. But hey, at least it’s not rice soup! And more importantly, I wasn’t suffering every afternoon and evening.
All the meditation is getting much easier and deeper by this point. I am practicing mindfulness everywhere I go and with everything I do. Sitting in the hot springs this morning, I stared at a flock of young birds learning to fly high above the trees. It was fascinating. The things you start to appreciate when you take the time to sit back and really observe nature…it’s so beautiful.
As anyone who has spent time in Asia will agree, it’s striking the difference between hearing explanations from a Thai person versus a Westerner. It can be quite challenging, actually, to listen to someone from Thailand or India (or elsewhere in the East) explain a concept or belief system. Nothing is linear – they often speak in circles and repeat the same thing multiple times and in multiple ways, use esoteric analogies and then close half their sentences with “or something like this”. But to them it makes complete sense. To Westerners, it often leaves us more confused.
There is an English monk here who has been in Suan Mokkh for a long time, and is a wonderful speaker. Today he gave a Dhamma talk about the five hindrances, which are the five negative mental states that arise and impede us during meditation. It was quite suitable by day three to hear these and how to overcome each:
- Lustful thoughts: any cravings or desires (not just sexual)
- Hatred / Ill-will
- Sleepiness / Sloth
- Restlessness / Monkey Mind
- Doubt
We were given the opportunity to have an “interview” with a monk/nun, so I signed up to speak with the chanting monk in the afternoon. I came with five questions written down to ask him. I’d never had a private conversation with a monk before. I kept finding myself acutely aware of my demeanor, trying not to smile too much or get too close. His answers were somewhat helpful, but again, the Thai way of explaining things really slowed down the conversation and threw me through a few hoops trying to understand what he was trying to convey.
Every evening we do a walking meditation around the ponds (women walking around one pond, men around another). It quickly became my favorite part of the day, with the stars and moon lighting the night sky, big candles along the water lighting the walking path, listening to the sound of crickets singing into the night. We walked slowly – but not too slowly – in single file with our hands clasped either behind our backs or in front of our body. These evening walking meditations were a great opportunity to reflect on the day, move the body a little bit, and mentally zone out amongst some amazing night scenery.
I fell asleep on day three with a growing sense of clarity and comfort knowing that I was going to do just fine. From that day on things just got easier and easier, and a beautiful clarity began taking place.
Continue to Part 3
Near the top of my bucket list for this trip was attending – and completing – a ten day silent meditation retreat. You might have heard the term Vipassana, a Pali word that means to see things as they really are, and is one of the world’s most ancient meditation techniques. In English this is sometimes just called “insight meditation”. Vipassana retreats provide an opportunity for you to take a break, look over things and take a serious review on what has been happening in your life. A lot of people use this time as a chance to reflect, modify, adjust and/or make changes. After some thorough research I found a link to Suan Mokkh International Dharma Hermitage, a Buddhist monastery located in south Thailand that holds monthly vipassana retreats for foreigners.
Wat Suan Mokkh was created in 1932 by the late Buddhadasa Bhikku, a Thai monk who is widely respected and honored across Thailand and beyond for his large contribution to Buddhism and unique interpretation of the Buddha’s teachings.
Judging from the look on my face, yesterday may as well have been Christmas for me. After three weeks of patiently waiting, I got a call from Mahavir telling me my package had arrived. My mother sent this package before Christmas, after weeks of my debating the things I really couldn’t live without while over here in India. Because I spent so much time reading blogs and articles about what to bring for an extended stay in India, I wanted to pay it forward and do the same for others to be uber-prepared before they board the plane. And away we go!
- Altec Lansing travel speakers + AAA batteries: Wow wow wow. I can’t say enough about this speaker. I don’t know what I was thinking leaving home without proper speakers. Once I realized my iPod touch had the sound equivilent to a mosquito, and my netbook’s speakers rivaled a miniature toy train’s engine, I realized I needed to get something pronto. I don’t trust buying electronics here and I knew I could get something great on Amazon, so I found this with its hundreds of positive reviews and ordered it in under 30 seconds. The entire thing is about the diameter of a coaster, only a couple of inches tall and it weighs less than my wallet. The sound is up there with a proper iPod dock, deep and full even at high volume. The case is super protective and comes with a mini-carabiner for quick and easy transport. Definitely include a few sets of AAA batteries because you never know how long Indian batteries will actually last :)
- Gap sports bras: I made the mistake of buying a brand new sports bra for this trip, a fancy hot yoga style from Lululemon. By day one noticed the fit was wrong and quickly realized this was not going to work out. Trouble is, there is no where to get a proper, well-made sports bra, except for the Nike store about 1 hour away. But who knew if they’d even have what I want? Because I wanted something that doubled as a regular bra, I want with this. Great for light activity and all the racerback tops you end up finding here! (I kid you not – about 80% of the tanks I see for sale here are racerback. Something to note.)
- Basic tank tops: I cannot stress enough how key this is! I did not bring my favorite beaters with me, for fear that they’d be too “revealing” only to find that in Goa, they throw decency out the window. Most of the time here, less is more. So I had a couple colorful ones and a beige one that can be dressed up or down. *For those of you heading elsewhere in India, make sure you have other options with sleeves.
- American Apparel black leggings: It gets cold here in Goa in January. And half the tops are tunics. Leggings just make sense.
- SanDisk 8GB Flash Drive: I only brought two of these (2 and 4GB) and they are already full. I’ll be upgrading to an external hard drive soon.
- Essential oil – Egyptian Goddess: If you have a favorite oil or perfume, do yourself a favor and bring it unless it’s extremely common. I can go into any shop here and find most oils but not this. Again, ordered from Amazon and shipped home.
- Ziplock bags: Hard to find, super handy. Anything from food, liquids, loose batteries, toilet rolls, etc.
- Cliff bars: I say I need these for “emergency situations” but the biggest emergency I’d had so far was having the flu and not wanting to get out of bed to eat, so I at a stash of Cliff bars. I’m not kidding myself – these will be gone before I arrive in Bangkok.
- Skinny watch: I mentioned this before, but it quickly came to my attention (swimming in the sea) that this watch is in fact not waterproof, so I had another one sent. It’s $20 and feels weightless on your wrist.
- Dove deodorant: Make note: I searched countless stores in North Goa for powder deodorant. It’s not available. Period. Unless you want the roll-on kind in a hot, sticky climate, do yourself a favor and bring exactly what you know and love.
- Alba SPF 45 face lotion: I have had the hardest time finding true, natural products here. I thought with all the ayurvedic treatments and whatnot it’d be relatively easy. But no – it is so commercialized here in Goa that they have all these American and knock-off brands with tons of chemicals and toxins. (Don’t even get me started on the yoga mats here…they actually infuse them with a permanent stench of chemicals.) This product is readily available at Whole Foods and has done wonders for my skin.
- Jarrow Formulas Saccharomyces Boulardii + Mos 5 billion probiotics (90 count): This stuff is amazing. It’s room temperature stable so no worries for long-term traveling. 90 count lasts 2-3 months. These are great to take during any long plane or train rides. Really helps to keep everything in check.
And of course my Mom snuck in some other edible goodies that shall remain nameless :)
When I meet my awesome parents in Thailand in early February, I’ll inevitably have another long list of stuff, which will be nicely packed in my amazing new replacement suitcase they will be bringing on the plane. I’ve been waiting patiently for a couple of months now, as the cost to ship it to India would have run at least $500. Luckily I’ve been staying in one place for the most part.
Looking at the beginning of my current list for them to bring in February, I’ll leave with these last few suggestions:
- Good pens
- Good toothbrush
- And for all you ladies, tampons! For some reason they are almost impossible to find here.
Happy travels!
xoxo
Amy Carole
The Baba was taken away today by the Indian Police, right as we arrived to the Banyan Tree. I had waited over a month to finally see this man, to finally sit with him, and we arrived to this scene instead. The police had come a number of times before, but he hadn’t ever been taken away until now.
In India there are many babas – respected, holy men – and many of these babas choose to live off the land and a few meager possessions. It reminds me of the samanas in the forests in Siddhartha, living in the woods. Babas can be like gurus, healing, helping & teaching those people who come.
This baba has been living in north Arambol under a massive banyan tree. I first heard about him the third week into my yoga course. My friend Pam had wandered around the cliffs on the beach and walked into the forests, only to stumble upon this man sitting with a number of people deep in the cliffs. She sat with him for a while, talking to him, chanting, meditating, having a lovely time. Suddenly, she sees the police arriving. They searched people, pretty much looking for drugs, and arrested a local Goan because he didn’t have proper ID. But the baba remained that day.
So I walked into the forests with my friends this morning. To get there you walk around the cliffs, past countless shops built right into the rock, each selling the exact some thing.
“I give you good price!” :)
This lets out onto the beach, where you turn inland and walk through a gorgeous canopy of palm trees and banyans, with a steep, rocky stream running through it. It is absolutely stunning when you really take it all in – something out of Jurassic Park.
As we walked into the forest we passed a group of people who warned us the police had arrived, giving the Baba trouble this time for not having his ID, claiming he is not a real baba (whatever that means…I found myself wondering if in India you can get “Baba” on your ID). We kept walking and soon ran into a man with a hip-height stick, blocking the path.
“Where are you going?” he said.
“To the banyan tree. Excuse us.”
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“What are you doing?” replies Melanie, as the four of us squeeze past him.
We climb up to the tree and see him there with three other men, police but in no uniform whatsoever. I see the baba sitting underneath this magnificent tree, and you could just see the fear in his eyes. Jen – who’d been there a number of times – she goes up and gives him a big hug, comforting him. She later told me he was shaking.
I was in awe. Between the cops being there in plainclothes, looking at the baba with a sort of compassion I’d never seen in a cop; to the banyan tree, in all its glory; to the space itself, so inviting and filled with love. The energy here was undeniably loving, despite this situation with the cops. Jen and Baba spoke and she agreed to take his backpack, sleeping bag and journal back to her place. What was unfolding was quite amazing to me, because literally hundreds of people are coming to sit with this Baba every week, and here is Jen holding his things safe until he gets back. (Which I’m sure will be very soon.) As he was escorted away from his home, I put my hands to my heart and said Namaste, exchanging one last look.
Few words were exchanged. I paid no mind to the other people. I silently grabbed a blanket and looked around. The energy of this place was stunning, with the incense and fire still burning, the flowers on the altar still fresh, a half-eaten plate of chaat on the ground along with four half-full classes of masala chai. It was clear that the Baba’s presence remained. So I sat with him.
Just another Sunday morning in Arambol.
UPDATE: The Baba was released this evening and gathered his things, heading back to the banyan tree. I love happy endings.
Amy Carole
